Katelyn's Story- Part 3

I know that the last few posts have been very long, but I want to tell her whole story and I know that if I don't finish it today, I'll probably never go back and finish it!  So thanks for hanging in there with me!

The week I came home from the hospital was manageable because Cory took off of work and he never left my side.  I had strict orders to rest as much as possible.  We had several more visitors and the teachers at my school provided dinner for us all week.  Towards the end of the week, I had a checkup with Dr. Deem to make sure my blood pressure was staying down.  She went over the results of the amniocentesis with us and confirmed that Katelyn had triploidy.  She also confirmed that Katelyn was a girl (there had been a little confusion due to the complications of triploidy). 


Triploidy is a genetic condition where each chromosome has three copies instead of the normal two copies, or 69 chromosomes instead of 46.. 

Dr. Deem wanted me to take off another two weeks of work to let my body recuperate a little more but I wanted to go back after one more week so we compromised and I agreed to take one more full week off and then work half days the next week.

Unfortunately, Cory had to go back to work the second week.  I thought that I was going to be ok being at home alone, but it was a lot harder than I had expected.  Being in an empty house with just your thoughts is not a good idea for someone who is starting the grieving process.  I can remember laying in bed, sobbing, and just thinking, "I just want my baby back".  Some days were better than others and I somehow made it through another week. 

The next week was hard because I went back to work part time and I had to face everyone that I worked with for the first time.  Most people were encouraging and supportive, but there's always that one person who doesn't know what to say so they say the wrong thing.  I spent several moments in my room between classes crying over hurtful words.   

The months that followed were full of firsts... first holidays, first baby showers that I just couldn't make myself attend, first time back in church (I spent most of that in tears), etc.  Christmas was very difficult because all I wanted was something that no one could give me- my sweet baby girl.  It was VERY hard to find any Christmas spirit that year.  The only positive thing that happened around the holidays is that I was able to travel to Prague and spend the week before Christmas with my sisters.  It was nice to get away for a week and spend some time in a new place.

The week of Katelyn's due date was extremely difficult.  Luckily, I was on spring break so I was able to grieve at home alone rather than trying to put on a happy face at work. 

Little by little, the days and weeks got easier.  I would still have moments of horrible grief where the tears just wouldn't stop and Cory didn't know what to do with me, but the day to day living was better.  The worst times were when I would find out about someone else being pregnant or when I would see newborns around town.  It was so hard to find joy for those who were expecting, especially when we were having such a hard time conceiving again.  There were moments when I never thought I'd get to be a mom and then when I finally did get pregnant with Parker, the fear that I felt was overwhelming.  I think I spent most of Parker's pregnancy thinking "I wonder if this is going to be the day that I lose him too".  I'm pretty sure the first time I felt relief was the day I finally held him in my arms. 

The experience of losing Katelyn changed me forever.  I am so thankful that I have an angel waiting on me in heaven but I would give anything to have her back.  I still think about her every day and am reminded every year on her birthday how much I miss her. 

"Tears may flow in the night, but joy comes in the morning." Psalm 30:5

A good friend sent me this verse after I lost Katelyn, and I have to admit that there were times when I never thought that this would apply to me.  It took many years, but I can now truly say that when I look at my three healthy, beautiful kids, I am full of joy!  Katelyn made me a better mom because she made me realize what a gift my children are and what a privilege it is to be their mom every day.  When I start feeling frustrated with the daily ups and downs of motherhood (and I'm not perfect- I do this all of the time) or when I start taking my kids for granted (again, I do this all of the time), all I have to do is think of her and my mindset is immediately changed.

Happy Birthday, my sweet angel!  I can't wait to hold you when I get to heaven.  Thank you for helping make me the mommy that I am today! 

Katelyn's Story- Part 2

As I was waiting in the observation room for the nurses to prepare a delivery room for me, Cory started making phone calls.  My blood pressure was still rising (they were checking it every 10 minutes) so the nurses made me lie on my side and stay very still.  I think the only thing that would describe how I was feeling is numb.  And scared.  We were both in complete shock from everything that had just taken place over the past few hours and I had just been told that I was going to have to deliver my baby with a doctor I had just met. 

My first nurse was Skipper (Is it weird that I can still remember that after 8 years?!?!).  She was young and sweet and did everything she could to put me at ease.  Her first job was to start me on a magnesium sulfate IV drip that would prevent seizures.  Unfortunately, you can not have anything to eat or drink while you are on this medicine and it also makes you feel very hot.  She turned the air conditioner down as low as she could and told Cory to grab a blanket! 

Dr. Thigpen was not on call that night so he transferred my care to his partner, Dr. Howard.  Dr. Howard started the induction process about 5pm and explained that since my body was nowhere close to being ready to deliver a baby (I was only 17 weeks along), the process could take up to 24 hours before I delivered. 

My mom and sister had arrived by that point and they sat with me while I waited.  I was still having to lay on my left side and the nurses encouraged me to be as quiet as possible since my blood pressure was still so high. 

The nurses changed shifts that evening and my next nurse was named Babette (I know... it's really weird that I still remember both of my nurse's names!)  She was older and so kind.  She knew how miserable and thirsty I was on the magnesium sulfate and snuck in some ice chips for me to suck on even though she knew it was against the doctor's orders.  These two nurses were truly my angels that day.  I can not say enough good things about them and the compassionate care that they gave me. 

Things were still progressing very slowly around bedtime so my family decided to go home so Cory and I could try and get some sleep.  We all assumed that it would be well into the next day before I finally delivered.  Boy were we wrong!  About midnight, I started having some minor contractions.  My nurse told me to start thinking about whether or not I was going to want an epidural once the contractions started getting stronger.  Around 1am, I started having some very strong. painful contractions.  I told Cory that I thought I needed the nurse to come and check on me.  As soon as we finished hitting the call button, I had one last contraction and then it was over.  Cory was the only one in the room when I delivered Katelyn.  He ran out into the hall and within seconds, Dr. Howard and several nurses were in my room. 

After the chaos had subsided, Babette encouraged me to take the pain pills that Dr. Howard had prescribed so that I could get some much needed rest.  I agreed and was asleep within minutes.  Several important things happened over the next few hours but I was in such a fog from the medicine that I don't remember a lot about them.  I remember talking to my mom and sister on the phone, but I have no idea what we talked about.  A few hours after delivery, the hospital chaplain came in to pray with us.  They laid Katelyn next to me in my bed and as she prayed, I just cried.  It was the only time I ever got to see Katelyn and it is something I will never forget.  All I could think about was how perfectly formed her 10 fingers and 10 toes were.  She had so many things wrong with her, but her fingers and toes were absolutely perfect.  Finally, about 6am (right before the next nurse shift change), Babette brought me a heart shaped plaque and gave it to me.  I was still so foggy from the meds that I didn't realize until much later that day that the plaque had Katelyn's handprints and fingerprints on it.  I still treasure that plaque so much.

Right after the shift change, they moved me up to a regular room in the maternity wing.  The nurses put a special sign on my door that let everyone who entered my room know that I had lost a baby.  Looking back, I thought this was one of the most thoughtful things they did.  They eliminated me having to retell my story to everyone who walked in the room looking for a newborn.  I was finally taken off of the magnesium sulfate drip and was allowed to eat lunch.  They continued to take my blood every few hours to check my levels.  I had several visitors in the hospital, including Dr. Deem, my regular OB, who came by to check in on me.  That night was one of the longest nights ever.  My head was finally clear enough from all of the meds that everything was starting to sink in. 

Early the next morning, Dr. Thigpen came in and talked with Cory and I for a long time.  He told us a little more about what triploidy was and explained that it was not genetic so any other children we had in the future had a little to no chance of having it too.  He also told us that my preeclampsia had turned into HELLP syndrome which is where the liver starts to be affected.  He told me that my blood pressure had reached seizure levels and that if I had not come in for the appointment on Thursday, I probably would have started having seizures at home.  Finally, he said that as long as my morning blood work came back normal, I would be able to go home that day.

Later that morning, I was cleared to be dismissed from the hospital.  Leaving the hospital was one of the hardest things I had to do.  Being wheeled out of the maternity ward without a baby in my arms was extremely difficult.  Little did I know that the next few days, weeks, and months were going to be just as difficult. 

Katelyn's Story- Part 1

 

Today would be Katelyn's 8th birthday. 

 

Eight years. 

 

Some days it seems so long ago and other days it seems like just yesterday that our world was turned upside down.

 

One day last week, these were the verses in my Bible reading:

 

"Peace has been stripped away,

and I have forgotten what prosperity is.

I cry out, "My splendor is gone!

Everything I hoped for from the Lord is lost!"

The thought of my suffering and homelessness is bitter beyond words.

I will never forget this awful time,

as I grieve over my loss.

Yet I still dare to hope when I remember this:

The faithful love of the Lord never ends!

His mercies never cease.

Great is his faithfulness;

his mercies begin afresh each morning."

Lamentations 3:17-23

 

The days, weeks, and months after losing Katelyn were some of the darkest days of my life.  The grief was so overwhelming and there were so many days when I had no hope at all.  But just as in every other hardship in my life, God was faithful to see me through.  He brought me out of my despair and turned my sorrow into joy.  I am so thankful for such a loving God!



As I thought about Katelyn's birthday today, I realized that I have never taken the time to write about the day that she was born (and all of the events leading up to that day).  Although she was only with us for a very short time, she still has a story.  A story that greatly impacted our lives.  A story worthy of sharing, especially with Parker, Eden and Lily.  Even though they will never know their sister here on Earth, I still want them to know about her and how she had a huge part in making me the mom I am today.  So here goes...

It all started in June 2005.  After just two short months of trying, we found out the week of our 7th anniversary that we were expecting! It was hard to believe that it had happened so quickly, but I was beyond excited!  My excitement quickly turned to worry when I started spotting at what I thought was 8 weeks into my pregnancy.  After an unplanned trip to the doctor and an unexpected sonogram, we were able to see the heartbeat for the first time.  It was such a relief and my worry quickly subsided.  The doctor said that I was only 6 weeks along according to the measurements on the sonogram. 

The morning sickness started shortly after that visit.  Debilitating nausea all day long.  Luckily I was on summer break so I was able to lay around on the couch and rest a lot.  I remember eating a lot of Triscuits and having a HUGE aversion to any type of meat.  I could not even look at meat without feeling sick. 

At 12 weeks, I had another sonogram.  Aunt MerMer was about to leave for another year of teaching in Prague, so I invited her to come with me since she would miss everything else during the rest of the pregnancy.  The sonographer said that everything looked good and we got to see the baby moving a lot during the sonogram. 

About this time, my morning sickness started getting worse, not better like it should have at this point in the pregnancy.  I was vomiting a lot in the morning and just felt awful all day long.  Working became really hard but since this was my first pregnancy, I just assumed that this was normal and pushed through every day.  I remember going during my conference period, laying down on the floor in my room with the lights out, and crying because I felt so bad.  I was taking anti-nausea medicine but it just didn't seem to help at all.

A few weeks later, I had another appointment with my OB and was asked if I wanted to have a quad screening (a blood test that screens for things like Down Syndrome and spina bifida).  Cory's good friend, Nabeel, had encouraged us to get this screening so that we would be prepared just in case something showed up in the screening.  We decided to go ahead and have the blood test.  It turns out that this quad screening probably saved my life.           

About a week after the screening, my OB personally called me one night at home.  She said that my quad screening had come back positive for spina bifida and that she wanted me to see a specialist (Dr. Thigpen) the next week for a detailed Level 2 sonogram.  She kept encouraging me by telling me that there are a lot of false positives with the quad screening and that everything was probably going to be fine.  For some reason, I never worried about something being wrong with the baby, even after my OB called.  Several of my friends knew people who had had false positive quad screenings and I just assumed that mine was a false positive too.  I was even a little excited that we would get to find out the gender of our baby a few weeks earlier than we had planned. 

My appointment was scheduled for Thursday, September 29th- the first day of my school's fall break.  The week before the appointment was a very rough week.  Sunday night, we went to eat at Olive Garden and I was up ALL night with what I thought was extreme heartburn and pain in my upper right quadrant.  I also started noticing that my urine was very orange in color when I went to the bathroom.  I thought I just wasn't drinking enough water and told myself that I needed to add more water to my daily routine.  On Tuesday night, I realized that I had suddenly developed cankles.  I was so distraught!  I knew that my ankles would swell during pregnancy, but I had no idea that it would be this soon!  Looking back, I now know that all three of these were signs that I was developing preeclampsia/HELLP syndrome, but since it was my first pregnancy, I had no idea that these things weren't normal nor did I know that things were about to go from bad to worse. 

The morning of the appointment, I put on a maternity shirt for the first (and only) time.  I was so excited that I was finally showing enough to wear some of the maternity clothes I had bought.  We waited in the waiting room for almost two hours before we were called back.  While we waited, they brought me back to the lab for a urine sample and to take my blood pressure.  The nurse noticed that my blood pressure was quite elevated and asked if I had had high blood pressure in the past.  They also noticed that I had a lot of protein in my urine (which caused the orange color). 

When it was finally time for our sonogram, the sonographer told me that she was going to take some initial measurements before Dr. Thigpen came in to finish the exam.  Up until this point, I still was not anxious or worried that something was wrong.  And then she started the sonogram.  I think I realized when the sonographer worked for 15 minutes without saying a word that something wasn't right.  And when I asked her if she could tell the baby's gender, she still said nothing.

She left the room without saying a word and a few minutes later, Dr. Thigpen walked in.  He started his sonogram and within minutes started showing us things that didn't look right.  Our baby had hydrocephalus (swelling in the brain), there was no septum formed between the chambers of the heart, and all other measurements were two weeks behind schedule.  He suspected a genetic condition called triploidy but would have to do an amniocentesis to confirm what he was thinking.  Cory and I had to decide right then what to do.  We decided to go ahead with the procedure and within minutes I had a huge needle being stuck into my stomach.  Dr. Thigpen was such a wonderful doctor.  He had a great bed side manner and made us feel comfortable in the midst of our world falling apart right there in that room.  He was honest but compassionate all at the same time. 

The results of the amnio would not be back for several days, but Dr. Thigpen was very worried about my high blood pressure that had continued to rise during the appointment so he sent me over to the hospital for an hour of observation.  During that hour, my blood pressure steadily rose to 190/120 and the swelling in my legs became so bad that Dr. Thigpen decided that we couldn't wait until the results of the amnio came back to make any decisions about the baby.  He made the decision right then and there that I would be delivering our baby that day. 

Let's Go Rangers!

Last Sunday, we took Parker to our final Rangers game this season.  Eden was going to come but backed out at the last minute.  Parker was thrilled that his best friend Trip was able to come with us.

   Their favorite part was definitely the cotton candy! 

Sweet friends!

During the game, they announced that after the game all fans could come down on the field and run the bases.  Both of the boys wanted to do this, so we stayed until the end of the game and then waited in line to go on the field.  Once we were on the field, the boys had fun running from first base to home plate.  The workers on the field were hurrying us along, but we were able to stop and take a couple of quick pictures.

It was not a great game (the Rangers lost 1-5) but we still had a fun time!  I can't wait to take the kids again next year!

Grandparent's Day

Last Thursday was Grandparent's Day at Thursday School.  The girls were excited that all four grandparents got to come eat lunch with them and even more excited that they brought them Happy Meals for lunch!  Since I wasn't there, I don't have a lot of details, but I know that they had a great time spending time with Granna, Granstan, Grandma, and Papa.  Being close to grandparents is one of the main reasons we moved back to Cleburne ten years ago and we feel so lucky to have parents that are so involved and invested in our kids' lives. 

First Day of Thursday School

Eden and Lily started Thursday School last week.  Eden has Ms. Angie and Lily has Ms. Debbie.  They both woke up excited and ready to go.  They were most excited about their backpacks and lunchboxes. 

 

Lily's excitement turned into nervousness when we walked in the building so Eden took her by the hand and walked her to class.  So sweet!  She was hesitant to go into the classroom but she never cried.  When I left her, she was still quite unsure of everything but ended up doing great all day.  Ms. Debbie said the only thing she didn't want to do was participate in singing time, which really surprised me because she loves to sing at home.  Overall, she had a great day!

Eden, on the other hand, walked right in, sat down and started playing with the PlayDoh at her seat. 

Ms. Angie said she had a perfect day and sent me this picture of Eden playing with a couple of friends during center time.

I'm so thankful that the girls did so well on their first day.  I'm excited that they get to share this preschool time together and look forward to a very fun year!

 

First Day of Sunshine Preschool

Eden had her first day of Sunshine Preschool today.  She goes to school on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday from 9-12.  Her teacher this year is Miss Amy and she was so excited to find out that her sweet friend, Grace, was in her class. 

Eden was not nervous at all when I walked her into her classroom.  She and Grace sat down on the rug and started playing with blocks together.  I could hardly get her attention to tell her goodbye.

I know she is going to have a great time with Miss Amy this year.  I'm looking forward to watching her make lots of fun memories in her last year of preschool.