Katelyn's Story- Part 3

I know that the last few posts have been very long, but I want to tell her whole story and I know that if I don't finish it today, I'll probably never go back and finish it!  So thanks for hanging in there with me!

The week I came home from the hospital was manageable because Cory took off of work and he never left my side.  I had strict orders to rest as much as possible.  We had several more visitors and the teachers at my school provided dinner for us all week.  Towards the end of the week, I had a checkup with Dr. Deem to make sure my blood pressure was staying down.  She went over the results of the amniocentesis with us and confirmed that Katelyn had triploidy.  She also confirmed that Katelyn was a girl (there had been a little confusion due to the complications of triploidy). 


Triploidy is a genetic condition where each chromosome has three copies instead of the normal two copies, or 69 chromosomes instead of 46.. 

Dr. Deem wanted me to take off another two weeks of work to let my body recuperate a little more but I wanted to go back after one more week so we compromised and I agreed to take one more full week off and then work half days the next week.

Unfortunately, Cory had to go back to work the second week.  I thought that I was going to be ok being at home alone, but it was a lot harder than I had expected.  Being in an empty house with just your thoughts is not a good idea for someone who is starting the grieving process.  I can remember laying in bed, sobbing, and just thinking, "I just want my baby back".  Some days were better than others and I somehow made it through another week. 

The next week was hard because I went back to work part time and I had to face everyone that I worked with for the first time.  Most people were encouraging and supportive, but there's always that one person who doesn't know what to say so they say the wrong thing.  I spent several moments in my room between classes crying over hurtful words.   

The months that followed were full of firsts... first holidays, first baby showers that I just couldn't make myself attend, first time back in church (I spent most of that in tears), etc.  Christmas was very difficult because all I wanted was something that no one could give me- my sweet baby girl.  It was VERY hard to find any Christmas spirit that year.  The only positive thing that happened around the holidays is that I was able to travel to Prague and spend the week before Christmas with my sisters.  It was nice to get away for a week and spend some time in a new place.

The week of Katelyn's due date was extremely difficult.  Luckily, I was on spring break so I was able to grieve at home alone rather than trying to put on a happy face at work. 

Little by little, the days and weeks got easier.  I would still have moments of horrible grief where the tears just wouldn't stop and Cory didn't know what to do with me, but the day to day living was better.  The worst times were when I would find out about someone else being pregnant or when I would see newborns around town.  It was so hard to find joy for those who were expecting, especially when we were having such a hard time conceiving again.  There were moments when I never thought I'd get to be a mom and then when I finally did get pregnant with Parker, the fear that I felt was overwhelming.  I think I spent most of Parker's pregnancy thinking "I wonder if this is going to be the day that I lose him too".  I'm pretty sure the first time I felt relief was the day I finally held him in my arms. 

The experience of losing Katelyn changed me forever.  I am so thankful that I have an angel waiting on me in heaven but I would give anything to have her back.  I still think about her every day and am reminded every year on her birthday how much I miss her. 

"Tears may flow in the night, but joy comes in the morning." Psalm 30:5

A good friend sent me this verse after I lost Katelyn, and I have to admit that there were times when I never thought that this would apply to me.  It took many years, but I can now truly say that when I look at my three healthy, beautiful kids, I am full of joy!  Katelyn made me a better mom because she made me realize what a gift my children are and what a privilege it is to be their mom every day.  When I start feeling frustrated with the daily ups and downs of motherhood (and I'm not perfect- I do this all of the time) or when I start taking my kids for granted (again, I do this all of the time), all I have to do is think of her and my mindset is immediately changed.

Happy Birthday, my sweet angel!  I can't wait to hold you when I get to heaven.  Thank you for helping make me the mommy that I am today!